In which John McCain thinks "ovaries cancel out black man"

Michael Landauer writes an opinion blog for the Dallas Morning News that sums up exactly why Sarah Palin is a laughable pick for VP:

Five reasons why Sarah Palin is a laugh-out-loud choice for VP
9:30 AM Fri, Aug 29, 2008 | Permalink | Yahoo! Buzz
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Seriously? Sarah Palin for VP? It's one thing for millions of voters to put forward a sitting senator as a possible commander in chief, but for John McCain to hand-pick a first-term governor of a tiny state is bizarre. Here are five reasons why, if she is the pick, this is a huge mistake:

1. There goes McCain's best argument.
He cannot say Obama is not ready but she is. Obama started organizing his campaign for president the same month she was sworn in to lead the third-smallest state's government.
2. She has no base of support.
Obama won his senate seat with 3,597,456 votes, that's more than five times the population of Alaska. He has won more than 18 million votes in a long, tough primary that tested him and prepared him. How has she been tested? She lost her first bid for statewide office, then won the governor's office with 114,697 votes, not a majority, but enough to take office. And apparently, enough to set her up for the Oval Office.
3. The "woman card" will backfire.
She's no Hillary Clinton. And this is such an obvious ploy. It would be different if she were known to anyone or qualified or something.
4. Alaska, a corrupt hinterland.
Yes, she is a hard-nosed, tough reformer. But the McCain campaign will have to deal with the fact that Alaska seems like a foreign land as corrupt as Louisiana. It's longtime senator will stand trial smack dab in the middle of this campaign season, and McCain may have to vote to remove him from office. Yes, they can spin it that she is someone cleaning up the mess up there, but what Americans realize is that they don't know much about what goes on up there. Will they be comfortable with her?
5. Was this McCain's choice?
It seems clear that McCain wanted to go with Lieberman but was talked out of it by the right wing of his party. Rove admits calling Lieberman to ask him to pull his name out. Bush lost his way because he never stood up to Rove et. al. McCain is headed down the same path.

Go to the original blog post to read the hilarious right-wing comments.

P.S. Anyone want to see what a real Democratic Party is like?






(Thanks to Paul for the link)

On Meeting the Characters of King of the Hill

I met Boomhower the other day at Deep Eddy Cabaret. My brother, his girlfriend and I went for a pitcher of Lonestar after Ballet Folklorico and shared a table with a "Leprechaun Chic" man, Boomhower, and some other guy that can't be described as a fictional character.

We sat down and a toothless Boomhower immediately asked if Tara's teeth were real. She informed him that they were, and thus triggered his information session on what toothless people can and cannot eat.

Here is what I learned about eating while toothless:
Peanuts are impossible to eat
Peanut Butter is easy to eat
Beef Jerky can be eaten, but only if you suck it long enough for it to get soft.

I feel like Budweiser should make him one of their "Real Men of Genius" dudes and salute him for not giving up on beef jerky despite being toothless. It's people like this that make living in Austin an adventure. In Mass, a toothless man would just be a sad reminder of the losers spawned by capitalism. In Texas, losing your teeth is like gaining hick merit badges--it's a status symbol.

I'll take the babysitting for $60, please.

In high school, I had more disposable income than I probably ever will. My wardrobe was full of original pieces from local boutiques, and my music collection was more than ample. Mind you, this was when people still paid for CDs. Remember CDs? Those discs that come in colorful cases and magically play music when inserted into special electronic devices? If you don't, wikipedia can surely help.

Anyway, a typical Saturday during my senior year of high school probably would have involved brunch at a garden diner with friends, picking up some threads at Buffalo Exchange, one too many espressos at Spiderhouse, and a show at Emo's. I would spend money at four (maybe five or six) different places in ONE day. And I didn't even charge it to a nearly maxed out credit card! And I didn't even have a regular paycheck.

No, my Mom and Dad did not generously give me cash whenever I asked for it (though I obviously tried...a lot). And today, after receiving sixty dollars of tax-free cash for four hours of trampoline jumping, I remembered the financial magic that is babysitting. BABYSITTING! Or in my case, playing with rambunctious kids and then eating lots and lots of the best ice cream in the world.

Now, some people might think it's a wee bit under the skill-level of a college graduate to spend time playing tackle-hide-and-seek with eight-year-olds, but I tell you, these kids can reveal lots about the lives of the housewives of the wealthy. For instance, today a neighborhood girl revealed that her Mom had a tummy tuck. Although I earned a college degree, nothing in my studies had ever mentioned this curious procedure, so I asked the girl to elaborate.

This is basically what she said:
"My Mommy had a fat tummy so the Doctor sucked out all her tummy fat and then sewed her up, but he left out the extra skin. "

I thought her description was rather insightful, given her recognition of problematic skin-flaps after episodes of extreme weight loss (remember that guy who won the first Survivor and lost tons of weight? He spent some of his prize money getting his extra skin removed).Then she grabbed my generous portion of abdominal cushioning and giggled. During this poke-session, I recalled my earlier fling with cookie-dough ice cream, and decided that I would rather spend money on embellishing my tummy fat and having children poke me as though I were a suckling pig destined for a Christmas meal than spend money having a doctor suck it all out.

Then I remembered that this babysitting gig was just a gig, and that I don't have enough money to eat normally, and felt a bit of satisfaction. That housewife had to pay to eat AND pay to get her fat removed. When you're poor, you can't afford to eat, so you accumulate food savings, fat savings, and plastic surgery savings. Therefore, I decided to cherish the piglet feeling, because after a few months of unemployment, people might ask me who performed my tummy tuck.

Text Messages From Barack

What, you don't get text messages from Presidential Candidates?

I'm expecting a text from Barack any minute now (we're totally on a first name basis). He told me that's how I could find out who his VP will be first. That's before anyone else! He already picked me up from the airport and sent me flowers, so I wasn't surprised when he decided to involve me in his campaign.

UPDATE:
I'm kind of mad at Barack. He sent me his text message in third person, and very little things annoy me more than people speaking about themselves in third person. Barack, if you're reading this, please don't do that anymore--it makes communication less personal. I do like your VP choice, however. I bet Joe will become a regular reader, too.

Welcome to Sioux Uncensored

Greetings and Salutations,

I can't start this blog with anything BUT a stupid, cliched, and nerdy greeting ripped off from a common understanding of black-and-white television space exploration tragedies. Well, I suppose they weren't supposed to be tragedies, but they are really bad pieces of entertainment given today's standards, and that's a bit tragic, isn't it? Quality of outdated television programming aside, I suppose this blog will be neither cool nor original, but perhaps a bit entertaining or informative if you're lucky.

Basically, I want to stop clogging the email inboxes of the people in my email address book by edging my rambling accounts of everyday circumstances out of the required reading circuit and into the pleasure of internet surfing. Hopefully this will reduce the amount of hate mail and spam I receive from my email friends, and leave my inbox free to collect lovely offers of employment and free samples. Throw your trash in the blogs, yall!

I have no idea what direction this blog will ultimately take, but I do ask that readers not reveal personal information about me in the comments. For the time being, this is an anonymous blog penned by "Sioux". Please don't out me, as it might make it harder for me to be as truthful as I would like.

If you want to contact me, send emails to siouxuncensored@live.com mmmkay?