Sarah Palin Will Shoot You In the Face!

Yes! The Gods of the Internet have provided yet another snarky political website featuring one-liners about political candidates, but this time, it's SARAH PALIN! Yay!

Sarah Palin Will Shoot You in the Face is like its predecessors Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle and the apparently now defunct Hillary Is Mom Jeans, in that perusers click on alternating sentences about the politicians' characters. Users submit their own sentences, but only those that fit the general theme of the website are added. Generally the theme is: Hillary=Bad, Obama=Good, but the sentences are all about subtley annoying or nice things; generally they avoid statements like, "HILLARY MURDERED YOUR MOTHER".

However, Sarah Palin's site has shaken things up a bit. Did you know that Sarah Palin bedazzles her wranglers? Or that she uses Todd as her bitch? She also makes fun of her grandmother when she's not around and wants you to wear a purity ring.

Clearly I've spent the past two hours submitting little insightful gems...

Click and enjoy, dear Internet!



Meanwhile, I'll sit and ruminate over the fact that Sarah Palin looks like my biggest girl crush, my beloved, my precious Tina Fey...

See?? Watch the skit here, while I go cry about the fact that I'll never be able to watch 30 Rock with the same level of devotion!



Sarah Palin's hair gets more press than her experience or platform.


She had the feathers even on the court!




She shoots animals from planes. ANIMALS! From AIRPLANES! Then she WEARS them! And she hates polar bears! AHH!

The Omnivore's Hundred

Very Good Taste has compiled a list of 100 foods that every omnivore should try just once. While veggies are more my style these days, I have had exposure to many an exotic food due to my father's unusual gastronomic creations.

Here's the deal:
I have tasted items in bold.
I won't try items that I've crossed out.

Behold, dear readers, Sioux's foray into the wild world of eating with:
The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred

1. Venison
Yes. I ate bambi. Yes. I still cry about it sometimes.
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
If you want each bite of your meal to take between 6 and 8 minutes to chew, I recommend Crocodile.
6. Black pudding
My family calls this dish blueclub, and from what I understand it is basically a giant cow scab.
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
Word to the wise: Don't try homemade plum wine.
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
This one was obviously a mistake.
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
I've had cognac and I've smoked cigars, but never AT THE SAME TIME. I think that would be a class overload in my system. I'd probably shit diamonds.
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
I remember goat being surprisingly delicious back in my meat eating days.
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
HOW I WISH! I suppose a girl can dream...
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
My Dad had a weird foods birthday party and someone gave him an eel in a bag. It smelled like rotten potatoes and tasted worse when he got around to actually cooking it. Let me tell you, some novelty foods should be left as NOVELTIES!
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
I must say that Very Good Taste does not distinguish between the subtleties of fried dough very well. A beignet is a much different creature than a churro! A funnel cake should comprise its own category!
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
I suppose one should never say never, but sweet Haysoos, if I ever eat Roadkill someone should write a book about my life's hardships and then turn it into a major motion picture staring Thora Birch. I didn't just date myself through the Thora Birch reference, did I?
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
This smokey, bold tea is especially good during cold winters. I tend to like my foods savory rather than sweet, and this tea really encapsulates that aspect of taste.
80. Bellini
OHMYGOD CAN I HAVE ONE NOW!??!
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
I love watching the geeks at That's Entertainment much on Pocky while playing Dungeons and Dragons when I pick up my Buffy comics.
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
Don't judge. Spam-o-rama's fucking cool.
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake
Sometimes the Alamo Drafthouse pairs weird documentaries with weird food. More often than not, the weird documentaries are about food, and my entire family attended the screening of some Rattlesnake capturing documentary and ate chicken-fried Rattlesnake and drank plenty of Lonestars (well, I was probably 17, so my siblings handed them to me discretely, though I'm sure my rapid chugging of them was pretty conspicuous to my parents).

US Media Ignores Suspect, but Horrifying Iraq War Story

Sixteen troops were successful.
Five failed.


21 troops from the one division attempted mass suicide via heavy narcotics inside an Iraq military base. The reasons are unknown, but some speculate the division was responsible for a massacre of families in Northern Iraq--probably Haditha

Aside from the appalling and tragic nature of that news, I'm absolutely shocked that this happened 27 days ago!

The main news source is Iranian based off of Iraqi military information, so it could be propaganda, but I'm also not sure how the US military deals with news like this. I know the media here can't show pictures of coffins, but would they also censor a tragedy like this? Just because a URL ends with .ir should we assume it's false news? Are we to believe news stories are untrue because they are not delivered by mainstream American news outlets?

I don't know.

Here are some links:

alJazeera
Wake Up From Your Slumber
PressTV

Debates concerning the report's authenticity:
Military.com Forum
Above Top Secret Forum
Yahoo Answers

The thrills of a lifestyle...

You know, I used to get some sort of thrill when telling others of how I spent my time when I still attended college. Just saying that you're attending a small, private, liberal arts college in New England feels good. Saying that you're studying Geography--even when people have no idea what that entails--makes you feel interesting, like you know an entire wealth of really important and pertinent things about the world that no one else knows. Geographers: gate-keepers of information more people should know!

You know what's not thrilling? Telling others that you are unemployed and live with your parents and your insane cat. Even when one throws in extra information, like you used to study Geography at a small liberal arts college in New England, it doesn't help your case. At this point, you just seem pathetic for not fulfilling all the potential of your sincerely awesome education (and seriously, it was awesome--I got to ride mechanical bulls in the cafeteria, eat lots of cereal, and go on field trips to NYC).

Although blogging this felt awesome, I should probably go finish my cover letter for the energetic sign waving position listed on craigslist...

In which John McCain thinks "ovaries cancel out black man"

Michael Landauer writes an opinion blog for the Dallas Morning News that sums up exactly why Sarah Palin is a laughable pick for VP:

Five reasons why Sarah Palin is a laugh-out-loud choice for VP
9:30 AM Fri, Aug 29, 2008 | Permalink | Yahoo! Buzz
Michael Landauer E-mail Suggest a blog topic

Seriously? Sarah Palin for VP? It's one thing for millions of voters to put forward a sitting senator as a possible commander in chief, but for John McCain to hand-pick a first-term governor of a tiny state is bizarre. Here are five reasons why, if she is the pick, this is a huge mistake:

1. There goes McCain's best argument.
He cannot say Obama is not ready but she is. Obama started organizing his campaign for president the same month she was sworn in to lead the third-smallest state's government.
2. She has no base of support.
Obama won his senate seat with 3,597,456 votes, that's more than five times the population of Alaska. He has won more than 18 million votes in a long, tough primary that tested him and prepared him. How has she been tested? She lost her first bid for statewide office, then won the governor's office with 114,697 votes, not a majority, but enough to take office. And apparently, enough to set her up for the Oval Office.
3. The "woman card" will backfire.
She's no Hillary Clinton. And this is such an obvious ploy. It would be different if she were known to anyone or qualified or something.
4. Alaska, a corrupt hinterland.
Yes, she is a hard-nosed, tough reformer. But the McCain campaign will have to deal with the fact that Alaska seems like a foreign land as corrupt as Louisiana. It's longtime senator will stand trial smack dab in the middle of this campaign season, and McCain may have to vote to remove him from office. Yes, they can spin it that she is someone cleaning up the mess up there, but what Americans realize is that they don't know much about what goes on up there. Will they be comfortable with her?
5. Was this McCain's choice?
It seems clear that McCain wanted to go with Lieberman but was talked out of it by the right wing of his party. Rove admits calling Lieberman to ask him to pull his name out. Bush lost his way because he never stood up to Rove et. al. McCain is headed down the same path.

Go to the original blog post to read the hilarious right-wing comments.

P.S. Anyone want to see what a real Democratic Party is like?






(Thanks to Paul for the link)

On Meeting the Characters of King of the Hill

I met Boomhower the other day at Deep Eddy Cabaret. My brother, his girlfriend and I went for a pitcher of Lonestar after Ballet Folklorico and shared a table with a "Leprechaun Chic" man, Boomhower, and some other guy that can't be described as a fictional character.

We sat down and a toothless Boomhower immediately asked if Tara's teeth were real. She informed him that they were, and thus triggered his information session on what toothless people can and cannot eat.

Here is what I learned about eating while toothless:
Peanuts are impossible to eat
Peanut Butter is easy to eat
Beef Jerky can be eaten, but only if you suck it long enough for it to get soft.

I feel like Budweiser should make him one of their "Real Men of Genius" dudes and salute him for not giving up on beef jerky despite being toothless. It's people like this that make living in Austin an adventure. In Mass, a toothless man would just be a sad reminder of the losers spawned by capitalism. In Texas, losing your teeth is like gaining hick merit badges--it's a status symbol.

I'll take the babysitting for $60, please.

In high school, I had more disposable income than I probably ever will. My wardrobe was full of original pieces from local boutiques, and my music collection was more than ample. Mind you, this was when people still paid for CDs. Remember CDs? Those discs that come in colorful cases and magically play music when inserted into special electronic devices? If you don't, wikipedia can surely help.

Anyway, a typical Saturday during my senior year of high school probably would have involved brunch at a garden diner with friends, picking up some threads at Buffalo Exchange, one too many espressos at Spiderhouse, and a show at Emo's. I would spend money at four (maybe five or six) different places in ONE day. And I didn't even charge it to a nearly maxed out credit card! And I didn't even have a regular paycheck.

No, my Mom and Dad did not generously give me cash whenever I asked for it (though I obviously tried...a lot). And today, after receiving sixty dollars of tax-free cash for four hours of trampoline jumping, I remembered the financial magic that is babysitting. BABYSITTING! Or in my case, playing with rambunctious kids and then eating lots and lots of the best ice cream in the world.

Now, some people might think it's a wee bit under the skill-level of a college graduate to spend time playing tackle-hide-and-seek with eight-year-olds, but I tell you, these kids can reveal lots about the lives of the housewives of the wealthy. For instance, today a neighborhood girl revealed that her Mom had a tummy tuck. Although I earned a college degree, nothing in my studies had ever mentioned this curious procedure, so I asked the girl to elaborate.

This is basically what she said:
"My Mommy had a fat tummy so the Doctor sucked out all her tummy fat and then sewed her up, but he left out the extra skin. "

I thought her description was rather insightful, given her recognition of problematic skin-flaps after episodes of extreme weight loss (remember that guy who won the first Survivor and lost tons of weight? He spent some of his prize money getting his extra skin removed).Then she grabbed my generous portion of abdominal cushioning and giggled. During this poke-session, I recalled my earlier fling with cookie-dough ice cream, and decided that I would rather spend money on embellishing my tummy fat and having children poke me as though I were a suckling pig destined for a Christmas meal than spend money having a doctor suck it all out.

Then I remembered that this babysitting gig was just a gig, and that I don't have enough money to eat normally, and felt a bit of satisfaction. That housewife had to pay to eat AND pay to get her fat removed. When you're poor, you can't afford to eat, so you accumulate food savings, fat savings, and plastic surgery savings. Therefore, I decided to cherish the piglet feeling, because after a few months of unemployment, people might ask me who performed my tummy tuck.

Text Messages From Barack

What, you don't get text messages from Presidential Candidates?

I'm expecting a text from Barack any minute now (we're totally on a first name basis). He told me that's how I could find out who his VP will be first. That's before anyone else! He already picked me up from the airport and sent me flowers, so I wasn't surprised when he decided to involve me in his campaign.

UPDATE:
I'm kind of mad at Barack. He sent me his text message in third person, and very little things annoy me more than people speaking about themselves in third person. Barack, if you're reading this, please don't do that anymore--it makes communication less personal. I do like your VP choice, however. I bet Joe will become a regular reader, too.

Welcome to Sioux Uncensored

Greetings and Salutations,

I can't start this blog with anything BUT a stupid, cliched, and nerdy greeting ripped off from a common understanding of black-and-white television space exploration tragedies. Well, I suppose they weren't supposed to be tragedies, but they are really bad pieces of entertainment given today's standards, and that's a bit tragic, isn't it? Quality of outdated television programming aside, I suppose this blog will be neither cool nor original, but perhaps a bit entertaining or informative if you're lucky.

Basically, I want to stop clogging the email inboxes of the people in my email address book by edging my rambling accounts of everyday circumstances out of the required reading circuit and into the pleasure of internet surfing. Hopefully this will reduce the amount of hate mail and spam I receive from my email friends, and leave my inbox free to collect lovely offers of employment and free samples. Throw your trash in the blogs, yall!

I have no idea what direction this blog will ultimately take, but I do ask that readers not reveal personal information about me in the comments. For the time being, this is an anonymous blog penned by "Sioux". Please don't out me, as it might make it harder for me to be as truthful as I would like.

If you want to contact me, send emails to siouxuncensored@live.com mmmkay?